It’s a well known fact that the most logical and tangible way we can support our troops is by affixing yellow ribbon or flag stickers to the bumpers of our cars (or both, cause what else are you really using your bumper for, except to remind everyone that for some reason you still support John Kerry’s 2004 presidential bid?). The way this works is scientific and technical. Allow me to pretend to explain it further.

When you unpeel one of those stickers in order to slap it on your car, you actually release tiny little microscopic homing pigeons. They have been programmed by the government to, at that point, begin the long flight overseas to Baghdad. Genetically engineered with the national anthem and precise GPS coordinates as the only things capable of fitting in their molecule-sized brains, they whistle and home all the way to our troops. Upon reaching their destination, they find whatever moisture is available in the air over the army base, and then use it to increase in size (much like those little dinosaur sponges eternally trapped in pill form) and gently land on our military to deliver the news of support from back home.

When the troops see these things falling from the sky, they well up with tears knowing that somewhere, halfway across the world, an ’86 Ford Ranger pickup is safely idling in traffic. For freedom.

The only problem with this setup is that since 9/11 (slogan: “the day flags became big business”), demand for these tiny microscopic heroes has grown to the point where they are on the verge of extinction. These simple creatures are not able to survive the trip home and so must live out the remainder of their days (which is exactly two) in Iraq. And that’s a shame.

I would like to humbly propose the idea that instead we shift our allegiance to simple photos of flags. Digital photos that all the world can see, and not just those within a two hundred foot radius of your Xterra.

Additionally, we should be drinking more sweet tea. Nothing sets us apart from the enemy more than sweet tea.

And delicious, buttery yeast rolls from Barbara’s. In fact, Barbara’s Home Cooking is what makes me, David R. Perry, proud to be an American.