I’ve decided to begin a series, centered around my newfound love of finding random items for sale in the weekly junk mail flyers. My inaugural post still seems a noble entry, but I am quickly realizing that much darker and stranger things lurk in the minds of gift memorabilia merchants. These are exciting times to be alive.

Speaking of awesome dragons and miniature battle axes, take a gander at the image below. I would like to attempt and chronicle the events that must have taken place shortly before and on through shortly after the release of this important artifact.

1. “John”, during the course of his days as a junior designer at a major collectibles manufacturer, will often kill time coming up with joke products to amuse his co-workers. His skill with page layout really sells the bit.
2. John, after sending around his latest masterpiece, the “Dragon Slayer’s Conquest”, quickly realizes the folly of his actions. He had hoped he would, but apparently did not, learn from his previous creation, the ultra-realistic porcelain baby line.
3. His coworkers, during a marathon session of tequila shots after work, repeatedly tell him that “You Da Man!” and “That was ****ing hilarious, dude! I totally sent that on to ‘Skeeter’ in Marketing.” John is bought many rounds, and almost forgets his indiscretion from earlier in the day.
4. That is until the following Monday morning, when “Skeeter” waltzes over to his cube, congratulates him, and tells him that the “little dragon battle axe thingie” has been green-lighted, fast-tracked, ROI’d, and several other terms that no one outside of middle management ever uses.

(three months later)

5. “Eddie” finally (Finally!) receives in the mail his very own authenticated, certified, hand-numbered, limited edition Dragon Slayer’s Conquest battle axe thingie. He immediately mobilizes his WoW clan (local chapter), and invites them over for a party consisting of hot wings, dried meats, various kinds of processed cheese foods and watery, American beer.
6. P.S – “You can look at my battle axe thingie, but it will not – I repeat, NOT! – be coming out of it’s protective display case.”
7. Eddie’s friends, drunk with beer and near-comatose from the processed cheeses, start a major argument when they try to defend Highlander 2 in the canon of Christopher Lambert films. At some point the battle axe thingie is removed from its display case and used in a threatening manner.
8. During the last six-pack of Miller High Life, Eddie decides that since it’s already out and sullied, he might as well put it to good use and use the battle axe thingie to slice up the remaining dried meats.
9. WoW clan “Imperial Forest Squadron” (local chapter) is crestfallen to find out that the limited edition, commemorative blade on the battle axe thingie is barely sharp enough to butter toast.

(three days later)

10. Christopher Lambert receives a threatening piece of fan mail smeared with grease stains and residue from various forms of processed cheese foods.
11. Christopher Lambert throws letter on the pile with the others and proceeds to make a sandwich. His two-dollar Ikea knife seems to do the job just fine.