Or “oh, the places I’ve been.” And perhaps alternately titled: “Green eggs and ham outbreak kills twelve.”

My spring/summer trips are now largely wrapped up, in light of starting my new desk job. It’s possible that I will venture out again in the next couple months, but between a lack of vacation time and high gas prices, it’s safe to say that it will be somewhere within biking distance. So to summarize my journeys, I thought I’d do the obligatory photo roundup. As is usually the case, these are the least representative pics of the bunch. The good ones are unfit for viewing by children, and are legally incriminating.

Since I forgot to post about my Colorado trip back when it was actually relevant, I thought I’d throw it on the pile now. I had a great time trying a host of exotic microbrews and then stumbling my way up the Rocky Mountains. And I also learned why local improv shows are often referred to as the black arts of comedy. Here is a pic of my friend Bethany and I at the first, and lamentably last, meeting of the Tennessee/Colorado co-chapter of The Finer Things Club. My only regret is that we weren’t able to discuss the literary parallels between Chaucer and Orwell, or whether there even are any.

More recently, I went to the great state of North Carolina (motto: “More highways under construction than your state”). It was also a great time. I only have great times on my vacations. To prove this point, here is a picture of me with my favorite oversized novelty Monopoly piece.

But I didn’t just get my shirt pressed in North Carolina. No, I also visited the home of the late great Carl Sandburg in Flat Rock. Our tour guide was (no joke) Patrick Dempsey. He was an awesome guide and gave a great tour. Afterwards, whilst strolling the grounds, we stopped by to see the goats. Turns out that Mrs. Sandburg was an avid goat enthusiast and researcher. Her work lives on at the farm, where several “kids” are always about doing something else that could be ironically used in quotes. Above you can see two of the younglings giving a spirited interpretive dance about the political process.

Not too long afterwards, it was off to California. I’m assuming that no trip to California is complete without seeing a guy catch a stingray and then pose with it so his buddy can take a grainy phonecam pic. Or at least that’s how it works out for me.

Also, no trip is complete without taking a long-exposure shot of the ocean at night. The ghost on the righthand side is my new co-worker Chad, frolicking in the surf like the excitable man-child that he is. I would also like to point out that the pier at San Clemente is approximately eighty miles long. So if you put in a reservation at the seafood restaurant at the entrance, and then proceed to wander out to the end (near the guy with the stingray; you can’t miss him), expect some impatient hostesses when you finally waddle back, slowly, in your sandals. And order the swordfish.

Spending the 4th of July out in western Tennessee is always a joy and a privilege. But this year it was even more so, because I got to see a real live hobbit. He might also be a troll who lives under the bridge, I haven’t quite decided. The photo above was simply an excuse to catch him in the wild, but you may also notice the fine specimen of fireworks naming. “Absolute Power” is good, but I would also suggest you try the “Freedom Fighter” pack, as well as the “Legal Limit” bundle.

Once safely back at home, I decided to stop by and support Phillip Z as he got yet another tattoo. Here you can see it in progress. When it is finished, it will be an epic tapestry chronicling the life of legendary sailor John “Z” Scolvus and his mythical battle with the eight-headed hydra off the coast of Greenland. Apparently, if I had just stuck around for a couple more hours, I could have witnessed an old Russian guy who came in and got his (ahem) “unit” pierced. Oh, the places he’ll go, and the pain he’ll have while going there…